essay :-S

words are swimming on the page
thoughts swirling around my head
drowning in a sea of books and papers

there is an end
a deadline looms
there is a focus
a deadline looms

stop the procrastination
stop the distractions
start the concentration

there is an end
after hand in
a day of fun
Bond, dinner, drinks and dancing
come on!

learning curve

I've learnt so much recently. And that's not just because I'm at uni! It might be due to writing a reflective essay, but I'm sure it's probably more than that...

I've realised that no matter what happens God is my stronghold. I can question as much as I like but I still know that whatever I do, think, say - God loves me. He can forgive me. Jesus died for me! I've known this grace for a while, but to actually feel it, to have it at the core of me is quite liberating! To know that as much as I stuff up it doesn't matter, God is constant, God is unwavering on how he feels about me. It doesn't matter how often I pray, how often I read my bible, how many times I miss the mark - God does not change.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:8-10

And if this is the case I should be worshipping my Saviour! As I'm writing this "Praise You" by Fat Boy Slim has come on my Media Player - how appropriate!

"We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should"

Fitting really!

disappointment

I hate being disappointed. It sucks! I hate being let down by people. I know sometimes it happens for many very important reasons but if I'm caught off guard then I can be quite crushed. Not something I'm proud of I must admit.

I had a weekend of disappointments, but I'm glad I have wonderful friends to talk and pray with to let me see that's all it was - a weekend of disappointments and being let down and it's not the beginning of the slippery slope.

Like the Arctic Monkeys said:

"Anticipation has a habit to set you up
For disappointment in evening entertainment but
Tonight there'll be some love
Tonight there'll be a ruckus yeah
Regardless of what's gone before"

Tonight there'll be some love, regardless of what's gone before. That's grace, God loves me whatever, even if it may seem like no one else does (and I also know that this isn't true - Thanks Liz!)

i like to blog...

So glad i'm blogging. Just read my last post - it's great to get some perspective by looking back on stuff that I've thought about before. God is working in and around me even if I'm not quite up to speed right now.

I'm tired this evening. Got back from the Together at East of England conference earlier and took myself straight up to bed to pull together my weekend's essay editing (have finished and just emailed it off!) in the warm. I'm feeling mostly sleepy and grumpy at the moment which sucks quite a lot as I'd rather be cheerful... Was so hyper on Friday afternoon/eve/Sat am that I think I must have burned out! Got prayed for yesterday evening to be filled with the Holy Spirit again especially in terms of my work/studying so I'm hoping I'm not going to be quite so fed up tomorrow morning... bit too shattered at the moment to feel anything different.

The conference was good - loved serving on the worship team! A shame that there weren't more people I knew there but after the intensity of the last few weeks of rehearsals and the weekend I know my band a lot better! One of my favourite parts of the weekend was lots of Morgan cuddles, he is so sweet and kept jumping into my arms and on my lap in the evening meetings when there was no kids work. I think I've got a new friend :-) It makes me want to have kids, though the baby bit I'm not looking forward too...

I love God!

I was thinking on my cycle home from church after Alpha this evening that even if I'm feeling crap and don't want to spend much time talking to God or anything like that, that he won't let me down.

The amount of conversations that I have woth people about him is actually quite encouraging to me. Talking to a new christian girl who picked my name out of the hat to pray for me has been praying all the time! She's loving it! It's fab to hear her say "yeah and another pppppps God..."!! I was able to say that I had finished my essay today like I'd aimed for and thought this afternoon I wasn't going to - another answer for her. I just pray that she continues in this way and bubbles on about it more and more - it's so encouraging to hear if you're going through a dry patch too.

We had 82 people sign up tonight for our Alpha course this term!

Braaaaap!!

ps got the Chase & Status album today - wicked.

smoking

There are times when I wish I smoked. Nem came home tonight and said that very thing - I completely agree. Tonight is not one of those times though. I'm feeling quite calm which is good for a change! But there are times when I really want to have a fag, even when I'm just sitting down not doing a lot, just something to distract my hands and to control my breathing. I said the other day to some of my course mates that I wished you could still smoke in the Grad Bar where we often go for lunch. Silly, but it was one of the things I liked about it! Not the nicest thing about lunch but the freedom was there to stay or go... Maybe a coffee and a cigarette would be quite nice, though I wouldn't want to have to go outside to indulge myself. Bring back smoking inside and I might consider having a fag or two when I'm stressed. But I won't be doing it for now, too many unspoken negative pressures, not to mention the health factors.

studying

Its working out to be a little more tricky and time consuming than I thought! I feel like I'm constantly hairing around from one place to the next to go to lectures, to buy books, to the library to get books out to try and read them in time before they're due back or I have something more pressing to read... Then there's the essay - the one that's looming over me. My first Masters level writing, not assessed but will determine whether I can actually write at this level, bit scary! What I've done so far I'm pleased with, it looks like something you might find in a book or journal with all the references in my 200 word introduction. But I have this evening, a couple of hours tomorrow, Weds all day before Alpha (which I'm going to be nervous about - have invited Will who I've met through Street Pastors) and then need to print it off to read through at the weekend I'm spending at Pontins near Lowestoft.

Time is running out so I better get to the library!

my bed

Something that is very important to me is my bed.
I love my bed. It is the place I go when I'm tired from dancing, after talking to people on the streets, when I'm cold, when I'm grumpy, when I get home from work to watch neighbours online and where I wish I could cuddle up to someone special. That will happen one day, and that will be the day I don't have to heat up my wheatbag (that's now lost its lavender smell from overuse) unless I've got period pain. Which I have today, reminding me how much I also like my mooncup. That's an invention that makes me feel more like a hippy than anything else!!

So I'm gonna settle down in my bed about now, read some more of Stuart and drink my ovaltine before sleeping (hopefully) and waking ready for the week ahead...

today

so i thought i'd try this blogging malarky...
talking to Ed today made me actually bite the bullet after thinking about it for an age!
so here i am - all exposed on tinternet!

I'm reading this book at the moment, originally it was for research for an assignment but as it's a biography it's sucked me in and I can't put it down.
Check it out http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stuart-Life-Backwards-Alexander-Masters/dp/0007200374/ref=pd_sim_b_1
The life story of a guy who'd been homeless, drug addicted, in prison, and how he turned around - gripping stuff as his story is told backwards towards the events in his childhood that caused the spiral to begin. I'm gonna get back to reading it...

Note to self - gonna recap on my html and get that with a pic to do the link - much more professional!